CHOOSING HAPPINESS

The best day of my life and one of the worst days of my life happened in the exact same place. 

Crazy right? 

One day I am walking behind my dad’s casket, saying goodbye to the most important man in my life, and then before I know it I am walking down that same aisle, alone, towards my husband on our wedding day. 

My dad’s funeral was such an agonizing experience. I don’t know how I had the function of my legs. If I could have jumped out of my skin I would have. Or there was running straight out of the church- probably a bad look though right? That aisle felt like it would never end. Hundreds of our closest family and friends were there but I remember no one’s face. I hid my tears behind my sunglasses on that hot August day. My gosh if I wasn’t holding onto my mom I surely would have fallen on my face. There was something so final about that day. This is the day we say goodbye. This ceremony is the last moment of my dad’s life. 

What the actual hell? Why is no one screaming? Can I please scream?

For years this grief and pain completely consumed me. After a while it becomes all you know how to do every day. It becomes comfortable, almost like a warm blanket. 

Wake up, be angry, go to work, feign happiness, come home mentally exhausted, continue to grieve my dad. Repeat. 

I was scared to move on for fear of letting go of my dad. I thought I couldn’t grieve and feel joy at the same time. It made my brain want to explode. It felt like I would be dishonoring my dad by not giving him all the space in my mind and my heart. There simply wasn’t room for anyone else. I never believed I would be able to experience true happiness like I once did. If I moved on with my life it meant my dad would miss out on all those moments. And I just couldn’t fathom that. It was too painful. So let’s just stay stuck and wallow in it! Great freakin plan!

In the year leading up to our wedding I used to dread the big bridal entrance. In fact, I even had several nightmares about it. I thought walking alone down that same aisle would break me like it did before. The weight of it all used to set me off into a panic. I honestly thought I would pull a Julia Roberts and run my ass out of that church. Or faint and fall flat on my face. Why do I always end up running or falling on my face in my mind? Either way - I didn’t envision it going very well. 

My wedding photographer and my mom had to calm my nerves outside of the church and even though I felt minutes away from fainting, the most amazing thing happened- I didn’t. I put one foot in front of the other with a smile on my face. 

When I look at this photo it feels symbolic of a more personal journey for me - something bigger than our wedding day. This was the moment I finally decided to step into a life of happiness. I let go of the grief a little bit, and I leaned into the goodness in front of me. It felt like I was taking back control of my life and instead of holding onto that grief with a death grip – pun intended- I set some of it free. I’ll never be fully free from it, but just enough to breathe easier and live fully in this life and make room for the poor guy at the end of that altar. Love you honey! I’m glad you didn’t have to peel me off that church floor!

Five years had passed and I was a different person- completely changed by this loss. I made the decision to be happy and stop being so damn angry. I mean it when I say it was a choice. It is one I fought hard to make. I couldn’t let the deepest darkest grief swallow me whole. That wasn’t my story. 

I put so much work into my healing and making sure I became the woman my dad would be proud of. More importantly, someone I could be proud of. I walked by myself because that job was reserved for him. And instead of feeling angry or anxious, I felt peaceful. I actually felt him there next to me. I never would have thought that was possible. Not in my wildest dreams. Marrying my husband was the happiest moment of my life. I made room for him in my heart even with all its broken pieces. Proving to myself that grief and joy CAN coexist. 

My goodness. A wedding and a funeral. 

I used to think one broke me and one helped build me. But now I realize they both had a hand in helping me grow into the person I am today.

And my wedding day was only the first step. The first step to a very long road of healing that part of me. But it made me realize that I can turn this whole experience into something good. 

So I am here to encourage you to just take that first step. If you are struggling to find your happy- it’s there. Sometimes you just have to dig and find the courage, but I promise you it’s there. You may not find yours the same way I found mine but at least you won’t have to worry about fainting in front of a church full of people in the process!

Life is funny. It will surprise you. It doesn’t happen over night, but in time you can let go of your pain and lean into the happiness that is right in front of you. You can find your light in the same place where you once felt the deepest sorrow. I’m here to tell you that it is possible. 

I hope you choose happiness. Fight like hell for it. Write your story the way you want it to go.

And don’t stop chasing that joy. Keep going. It gets better.