THE HEAVEN TALK

We put the Lion King on for our son the other day. It was for selfish reasons really; it was my childhood favorite. And we were hoping to switch up his regular line up of movie requests. I wasn’t sure if he would even like it, and he is definitely too young for it. 

When we got to the part where Mufasa dies, Danny said “What happened to Simba’s daddy?” and then soon after, “Where did Simba’s daddy go?” And in that moment, I sort of stumbled on my words. I threw in a mixture of “he’s sleeping, he went up to heaven”. I felt uneasy and he caught me off guard. 

I quickly realized I hadn’t even explained where my dad is, so how can I explain this to him? And it reminded me that I really haven’t had this talk with him yet. The heaven talk.

But then it made me realize something even deeper. When Danny was younger, we would show him pictures of my dad and I would point him out all the time. I would talk about him a lot more. And I am realizing that over the last few months, I am pointing out my dad less, and talking about him less with Danny. 

I think subconsciously I am avoiding the conversation about where my dad is. Which is kind of funny because I love talking about him here there and everywhere. But this is giving me pause, it’s giving me a bit of anxiety. The grief inside me is stirring in a way it hasn’t in a long time.

His language has really picked up, and he’s such a good talker and we can have little mini conversations with him now. The way he understands the world around him just blows me away. 

I’m afraid of the questions he will ask me, I am afraid at how they will make me feel, and I am afraid of the emotions that could pour out of me. It was so much easier to point to a picture of my dad when he was one years old and he couldn’t express himself yet. He couldn’t ask me the big scary questions.

But death and grief are sort of my thing and I should be able to handle this. 

So! I am processing this the only way I know how, writing it out. And calling myself out. I want to hold myself accountable on something that is way too important to me. It’s time to have these tough conversations in a way I know he will understand. 

Two and a half years old is very young to start the heaven talk, but I have to start somewhere. I know I just simply have to tell him that Papa is in heaven and he loves him very much and he watches over us every day. If he asks more questions, I have simple answers ready. I’ve read the books, I’ve got this. And I know this is only the beginning of this journey for us. I have so much to teach my children about grief and their Papa Donny. 

Kudos to all the parents that have to explain grief and heaven to their children, even when it may be triggering for them. I really do believe it is such an important conversation. I hope you all find thestrength and words to explain it to your babies. 

This was such a good reminder for me that I still have more healing to do. And it reminded me how important this topic is for me in regards to my kids. I’m sure it won’t be the last time I write about it.

It revitalized me in a way. I am excited to teach my kids about the wide range of emotions that life can bring us. The grief, the joy, the happy, the sad. I know I’m getting ahead of myself but this movie really re-lit a fire for me. 

I made a promise to my dad that my children would know him, and I intend on keeping it. 

Time to put my big girl pants on and practice what I preach. 

If Simba can climb up pride rock and move on with his life and make his dad proud then I can do the same. Metaphorically.

Ok so I just compared myself to a lion, I’m going to sign off now.

Thank you for listening to my pep talk.