IT’S COMPLICATED

When people talk about grief, you will often hear them reference the five stages. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Only this model was actually introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in regards to someone getting diagnosed with a terminal illness, not someone who has lost a loved one. But that is not for me to dive into...just making sure I state the facts. 

As someone who has experienced the loss of a parent, I can tell you that we certainly do go through stages. Though they are not linear, and they can come and go as they please. I am ten years in, and denial and anger can bubble up to the surface from time to time. As well as many other undeclared emotional stages. There is no right way to do this thing, and certainly no structure to follow. 

The reason I am rambling on about stages is because over the last few years I feel like I have unlocked a new one. A complicated one. Once all the dust has settled and many years have passed, you try and adjust to your new life. So many things have changed, that their absence from your life is just normal to you now. Gosh that feels sour to say, but it’s the truth. And I don’t feel like this is talked about it enough. So, allow me. 

A few years ago, I was feeling particularly anxious when I was driving, and I decided to talk to my dad. I pretended I was calling him from my car. I started telling him that I was heading to a birthday party for my friend’s son, and that Dan was home working on our deck. As I was laying out these details, I realized this silly fake phone call would make no sense to him. The friend I was referencing wasn’t even married when he died, let alone had children yet. And if my husband was working on our deck, you bet my dad would have been managing the damn project. 

So, then I started to get angry. I was angry because it felt too strange. It felt like he didn’t fit into my new life. But then your mind fights back and thinks, well of course he fits! He’s my dad! He fit just fine when he was here. And then there is a big, ugly beautiful ball of griefy feelings rolling around in your mind. 

This may sound very silly to some, but it was a true Ah-ha moment for me. This new stage is so unfamiliar and it is complex and confusing.  I’m not sure why my mind even goes here, but I think it’s natural to try and make sense of it all. Our grief has shape shifted into something else, and our reality is fighting with the longing we have for our person to be in the here and now, with us. 

I’m not even entirely sure what to call this period. Extended grief? Prolonged grief? Complicated grief? One day I will be more educated on this topic, but for now please enjoy a look into my psyche! 

These emotions creeped up on me just this past weekend at my daughter’s baptism. My mom called me beforehand to tell me how much she wished my dad could be here to see this, and I realized that I hadn’t yet thought of his absence that morning. And I immediately felt thrust into this new stage. How could I forget that he was missing yet another occasion? Am I forgetting him? 

But we don’t forget them. We have just gotten very cozy in this new life without them. Despite all that bargaining we did in the beginning, here we are! We had no choice but to adjust. But even though it’s been many years without them, we can still find ways to weave them into our lives.

My mom had made a donation to our church in his honor many years ago, and we searched for the missal (book) where his name was referenced, before the baptism began. She handed me the book and said here, take a picture with your father. So that is the photo you see here. We tend to handle grief with a little bit of humor, because why not? I told you. It’s complicated. 

But I think the message that I really want to convey is that this phase is just as significant as all the others. It can feel almost as messy as those early years. It’s important to also know that if you feel how I am describing, you are not alone. This new normal feels complicated and uncomfortable. And it will come and go. So go easy on yourself. But maybe get curious and get to know these strange feelings. Maybe have a silly little conversation with your loved one. Writing it out helps me to process it. But there are lots of other ways you can hold space for these feelings. 

But most importantly, if you do find yourself in the throes of grief, don’t let anyone tell you how to do it. You find your own brand. You find your own way to walk through this complicated landscape. And be proud of yourself while you’re doing it. It ain’t easy.