A LETTER TO MY YOUNGER SELF

Hey you,

I saw you sitting there on the curb outside of the hospital after the doctors told you they were out of options. There was nothing else they could do to save him. I saw you having an utter panic attack and struggle to breathe and bury your head in your hands. You were forced to imagine saying goodbye to your dad. Your big strong invincible dad. You would never see him again. *Vomit* This is it. This is the moment you have feared since he was first diagnosed with cancer. You are imagining your whole life being blown to pieces. And you know what, I am sorry to say that it will. This will rip you apart and make you ache in ways you never thought possible. You are also imagining yourself spiraling out of control. You are so scared that this will take you to a dark place. A place you have never had to experience. You haven’t even lived yet! How is this happening? The anxiety building in your chest is making you feel like you may just die along with him.

But I’m here to tell you something. You survived. He may not have, but you did. And now you have to keep on living. You will be blown away at your strength and ability to get through this. It will get messy before it starts to feel lighter. And you will feel like you’re going to drown in these emotions but you do not, my dear. Give yourself some grace. Grieve for him all you want. He was your best friend. Your hero.

Talk about him, write about him, and keep him with you every single moment. Get your life together and get your mind right. No one is going to save you or make this all better, you have to do it yourself. That may sound like tough love and that’s because it sure as shit is. This will not be easy, and that’s because of the love you have for your dad. It isn’t meant to be easy. So sit with this. Get to know these messy feelings. This is your moment. This is the defining moment of your life. It is your before and after. This will mold you into the person you are meant to become. This grief will be your greatest teacher in life.

Fill your life with joy and laughter and friendship and family. Join that kickboxing gym and that grief therapy group you have been eyeing. Get out all of that anger and talk through all those messy feelings. And for goodness sakes keep writing your emotions about all of it. That will be your thing. Another huge piece of advice- stop drinking and grieving. It never ends well for you. When you’re feeling anxious, and the grief is choking you, do not think for one second think that alcohol is going to make it all better. This one will take you some time to learn but one day it does click for you. When you are at a friend’s wedding and you see them dancing with their dad just go ahead and hide in the bathroom, do not hit the bar. One day you won’t need to hide in the bathroom though…I promise.

And here is where I really blow your mind. You will move on with your life and find love. Marriage, a new home, and a BABY. Will every moment feel bittersweet? Yes, absolutely yes. But they will be a whole lot sweeter than you could have ever imagined. And I believe that they were sweeter because of you. Because you are resilient. And you made the choice to make his loss your biggest purpose. You found who you truly are in this mess. You found the light amongst all that darkness.

So please hang in there. One day at a time. It will all be okay. You will be okay. And never forget that he is damn proud of you.

Love, your 33-year-old future self.